17 Hours

I wrote this last month.

I’m not a sports fan. Actually, I haven’t been a sports fan in two years. Not since October 27, 2006, when the St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series. Maybe I was a sports fan on June 17, 2008, when the Boston Celtics won their first NBA Finals in 22 years, but that was inevitable: that was the first time I was able to see them win a title in my lifetime, and not to mention the fact that it was kind of like vicariously cheering in place of my father, as we used to watch several Celtics games during the last couple of years of his life.

“You aren’t a sports fan?,” you kind of say and ask at the same time. “Then, well, you watch sports and cheer for teams, don’t you?” Yes, I do watch sports and I do in fact cheer for teams, but that doesn’t hold much merit. I consider myself an objective observer, reviewer, and critic when it comes to sports. I take pride and enjoyment in the fact that I can bash athletes and whittle their well-being to a pulp with a matter of a few flicks of a keyboard. It’s freakin’ power. And people hate that I can do it so well. Sports fans hate when I do this, and usually come up with an uneducated retort when they notice I’m bashing one of their favorite teams or athletes.

Fans who try to push their team on you aggravate me. Ohio State Buckeyes, Oakland Raiders, Boston Red Sox, New England Patriots, Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia Eagles, Los Angeles Lakers, Boston Celtics (yes, even the modern day Celtics bandwagoners who didn’t give a flip about the team during the 2006-2007 campaign), New York Yankees, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, etc. It’s all the same. Every one of the fans who push their teams upon others are usually young and ignorant when they are speaking of sports. They are biased, homertistic, bombast sports fans instead of well-informed, understanding, intelligent critics and observers.

I posted this after visiting an MLB forum, reading people’s thoughts on the [Boston] Red Sox/Tampa Bay Rays ALCS. Instead of reading well-informed, objective posts, all I read was a load of “HAHA GO SAWX,” posted by a Red Sox fan. Then a big ol’ “LAWLZ LAWLZ LAWLZ THE BLOW SAWX SUX0RZ,” posted by a Rays bandwagoner who just started liking the Rays in May or June. They went back and forth. A state of pathetic atrocity. Idiots. Why can’t we all get an objective view of sports and stay there?

People need to feel like they belong somehow. Notice that sports fans always say, “WE scored a touchdown, WE are number one in the NFC. . .” like they actually put down the nachos for more than two seconds themselves to waddle out onto a football field and pat an offensive lineman on the ass. I think the mentality goes back to the old territorial caveman thing where, “If you degrade MY clan (team), then you threaten my existence (ego).”

I watch sports because I enjoy the excitement that goes along with it. I love watching talented athletes prove their worth on a field, court, etc. The best reason to say I love sports would have to be the bashing athletes side effect. I don’t know if there’s many things more fun than bashing an athlete or a team for doing something irrefutably stupid, while they’re being paid a horde of millions to play in a respective sport.

Those people who seem to be bashing Bill Simmons around every corner are about as ignorant as anybody can be.

Everyone who rips Bill Simmons would trade places with him 0.3 seconds if given the chance.

What’s happened with Bill is that he was on top for a while, and as with everyone that’s been on top for a while, eventually people get sick of seeing said person on top and begin to rip them. It happens in music, movies, and most of all sports.

Here’s a novel idea: if you no longer like Bill Simmons, stop fucking talking about him! Don’t read him, don’t make blog posts about him, don’t even visit ESPN.com. It’s the same about the people who are still bitter about my departure from SLAM Online. Move on.

You know what you’re getting with Simmons at this point. He has a formula and it works for him. People need to stop acting so surprised at the things he writes about.

A sportswriter is the most hated career title in America. People will read your column and decide that they hate you. You’re either loved or you’re hated. And it’s great. It’s kind of like when Howard Cosell was voted the most loved sportswriter and the most hated sportswriter in the same year.

That’s why I’m a perennial sportswriter. Not a sports fan.