17 Hours


The Rock
November 22, 2008, 7:10 am
Filed under: General | Tags: , , , , , , , ,

This is from January-March 2003. Hilarious stuff. I remember it like it was yesterday.

The Rock sings ‘Cleveland Sucks’:

The Rock sings a horde of songs, including a rendition of Frank Sinatra’s My Way turned into Rock’s Way.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson done many, many things in his six years in the World Wrestling Entertainment. Above all he entertained fans with his satirical promos and excited all with his athletic ability that he depicted as he performed with other wrestlers along the way.



Frivolous Day in the NFL and Kenny Mayne is Overrated

Pittsburgh beats San Diego 11-10.

Philadelphia and Cincinnati tie at 13, being the first game in the NFL to result in a tie since Atlanta and Pittsburgh tied at 34 in the 2002 season.

Miami wins 17-15 over Oakland.

The only problem I have with the Miami/Oakland game is that it bothered me, seeing as it wielded a hinging result of what would be Miami’s fate by the end of the season (wildcard or playoffless), not to mention they are the only team I have to cheer for now that my Rams are down and out (with a disastrous 2-8 record lingering over them).

Pittsburgh beating San Diego pissed me off, because I hate the Steelers, and because of the crooked score on the scoreboard. One of my friends is a Steelers fan, and I’m going to have to listen to his superfluous jargon for a period tomorrow about how ‘awesome’ (or the way he spells awesome, ‘owsm’) the game was, even though it was more boring than trying to watch a game of soccer (or, for you international folks, ‘footie’).

Oh, and if Dallas wins tonight, I have to listen to a stuttering idiot blabber about it for the rest of the week. Woohoo.

The Eagles/Bengals game irked me because you don’t play to tie the game, you play to WIN the game. (Thanks, Herm Edwards of the 1-9 Kansas City Chiefs!) Maybe the moniker should be changed to that you play to tie the game, though. Shayne Graham of the Bengals attempted a field goal with seven seconds left in overtime, but it sailed wide right, and moments later the game ended as a result of a tie. Y’know what? Here’s something for all of you that bash baseball: at least in baseball, ties don’t result (please don’t bring up that ’specific’ All-Star game in which Bud Selig screwed baseball fans).

The Rams were obliterated by the 49ers today. Nothing new.

Kenny Mayne has a new internet show on ESPN.com, called Mayne Street. A few episodes have been placed onto the web and its mediocrity has been bestowed upon our eyes that have been doused in KMP (Kenny Mayne Poison) for every time we see him on TV enough as it is. I don’t have a problem with the guy, and sometimes – sometimes — he’s funny. But it seems that sometimes he tries too hard, and the blatant comedy is tiresome. Though, if you’re bored, it’s pretty damn amusing.

Weigh in.



Tim Duncan Hits a 3 — Captioned

Tim Duncan hitting a three against the Suns that sent Phoenix into their yearly ‘We hate San Antonio’ mode.

*To view the picture in its entirety, right click it and click “view image.” That is if you have Firefox. If you have Internet Explorer, then screw you! Download Firefox then view the picture.)

Tim Duncan nails a 3 against the Phoenix Suns in game one in the first round of the 2008 Western Conference playoffs

Tim Duncan nails a 3 against the Phoenix Suns in game one in the first round of the 2008 Western Conference playoffs



People Kill Me

Not in the literal sense, but you know what I mean.

Posers, ostentatious attention-grabbers, judgmental idiots, insecure people who bash others because it makes them feel good about themselves.

It’s a load of hoopla.

Sometimes I feel as if Bekki and I are the only two people out there who stick true to their morals and think on their own, straying from the mainstream likes and liking what we like. It’s not being ‘unique,’ it’s being ‘us.’

(NOTE: Allow me to feel free to take this moment and disclose the obvious fact that I’m the luckiest guy in the world to be bestowed by Bekki’s divine and celestial presence.)

However, I know there’s a lot more people out there who stick to what they like and ignore what everybody else seems to be all over. It’s just that the majority of people in America these days would rather delve into what’s in mainstream because a lot of conversations drift into pop culture, and if you aren’t ‘in,’ then you’re ‘out.’

But who am I to say ‘people in America these days’? The seventeen years I’ve experienced thus far on earth are hardly enough to muster any kind of experience, but still yet I’m offering you up a plateful of observations.

My generalization of People in general may irk you, but you will have to get over that. It’s not a grouping whatsoever. It’s just that the people who don’t stand up for what they really believe in drive me crazy, but the few out there that do are exemplary and deserve much needed respect for it.

Reading isn’t as popular as it should be among teens in America, especially teenage guys. However, as I’ve mentioned various times, I’m 17-years-old, and I read myriadly. I don’t fit the mold of the cliched reader, either. I don’t wear glasses or contacts. I’m an avid watcher/observer of sports. I’m six-foot-three (6′3). I’m into playing sports. I lift weights two to three times a week. I write all the time. I never play video games. I think mainstream rap sucks. I think metal sucks. I think emo music sucks. I think country music sucks. I like to act like a smart ass, but at the end of the day I’m always joking and have a steer-clear outlook on life.

Thanks to Hollywood affecting people’s minds a little too much, if I randomly met you in a chatroom and told you I was 17-years-old and read, you would probably think that I was some kind of ‘nerd.’ And not to go off on an unnecessary tangent, but the word ‘nerd’ is thrown around too much in today’s world. Not to quote Clarence Carter too much, but let me ask you something: what’s more nerdier? Reading a book or playing video games? Scrolling your eyes across pages full of words or being transfixed by thousands of pixels on a television screen as you mash buttons on a controller while you sit in your mom’s basement eating Doritos?

I don’t know, but even then I threw out a huge cliche about gamers living in their mother’s basement. I know that’s not the case, and a lot of gamers are in their 30s or mature. But if you would have noticed, or read closely, you would know that I’m mocking every single person out there who goes against a cliche by making one of their own, a paradox in which is not a paradox because it bears no truth.

Everybody’s problems these days, it’s crazy. Not sure if it’s caused by the chemicals in today’s food or if it’s because of what people see in pop culture whether it’s from television shows or movies. No matter how you split it, the problems augment. New disorders pop up. Pretty soon everybody in the United States of freakin’ America is going to have a disorder.

Except two people.

Bekki and I.

Of course, we may be crazy enough as it is (asides from the fact that we call each other crazy and insane all the time).

Lazy people kill her. People in general kill me.

Maybe there should be a new disorder launched pretty soon known as the D4PD — Disdain For People Disorder.

Just maybe.



So, You Hate Reading?
November 4, 2008, 11:09 am
Filed under: General, Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I wrote this back in April (but I edited it a little bit.)

Y’know what drives the thousands of hair pegs off my arms? People who say they dislike reading. It’s like listening to a bunch of cats scream at night — it’s annoying, harmonious and monotonous. It’s the same thing all the time with no revelations to add to the same excuse. “Oh, I don’t like reading because it doesn’t interest me.” What about it does not interest you? You read every single day. Whether it’s from an advertisement, stupid horse excrement-esque things you read on the bottom of television screens, or obviously from what you read on the computer. If you still believe that reading isn’t for you, then you must be incredibly illiterate or incredibly stupid.

But don’t worry, bucko, it’s not indelible!

Y’know what may surprise you about me? I’m not an advocate of video games. Sure, I play every now and then (once every three to four months maybe). I have an Xbox 360. I have an Xbox Live account. I only play when one of my friends asks me too — and that’s not often, though it’s the time that I play that hinges my decision over what game and what mood I’m in. Video games bore me to death; they’re predictable. The same thing in almost every genre in that said genre’s category that you’d predict from it. I never got anything out of video games. Maybe quick fingers to use on keyboards to type (but still yet I don’t even type correctly — I only use three fingers on both hands each; my thumb, index and middle finger — and I’m an avid user of that middle finger, buddy), but who cares, y’know? I never got anything instilled in my mind from it. Maybe the intermittent excitement, but what else? Senile enjoyment, probably.

Man, I probably sound like Hitler and video games are Jews (OK, that was a comment that could turn me into a polarizing figure around here, so take it with a grain of salt and not of anything insulting).

Call me a nerd, but I’m a 6′3, 198 lb. muscular dude. Even then, I’m not a huge athlete even though I’m a big time sports fanatic. My Mom is 5′6 and my Dad was 5′7 but somehow I managed to pull off a height of 6′3. Magic, y’know? What kind of 6′3, 198 lb. muscular dude enjoys reading books vicariously over video gaming? ME, BABY! It’s me, it’s me, it’s the un-nerdy 6′3, 198 lb. muscular dude in your face, ya see. (Idiotic rhyme, re-read it again and you’ll understand it. . . hopefully).

So, y’know, there’s something for everyone to read. It just takes a little effort — you’re not too allergic to effort are you, self-proclaimed ‘reading haters’? Let’s hope not. Step aside from the norm and be a little more productive in your own life why don’t ya?

Be more like Bekki and I, read a lot and augment your lexicon with every opportunity. It’s not hard. It’s actually very entertaining.



Sportswriters Hate Sports
November 3, 2008, 5:46 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Nobody realizes how much the people who write about sports despise the subject they write about. There is nothing they hate more. I know that seems paradoxical, and most of them would never admit it in public. But give them four drinks in a deserted tavern, and you will hear the truth: The people paid to inform you about the world of professional, collegiate, and high school athletics would love to see all sports — except for maybe the NCAA basketball tournament — eradicated from the planet.

What’s depressing is that this was not always the case for people.

So if you want to become jaded and bitter in the shortest period possible, become a sportswriter. You will spend your Friday nights trying to write up some grueling pseudo-informative SLAM Online article until you’ve reached the point where hitting the backspace key wants to make you throw a deadly dart doused in poison at the people or things you are writing about.

That’s not the worst thing about it all, though.

The worst part about being a sportswriter is that no one will ever have a normal conversation with you for the rest of your life. Everyone you meet will either A.) want to talk about sports, or B.) Assume you want to talk about sports. Strangers will feel qualified to walk up to you somewhere and complain about Rasheed Wallace; and if you’re trying to be frank with your ex-girlfriend’s parents, her father will immediately ask you oddly specific questions about the New York Yankees. Just a couple of examples (the last sentence is an experience of mine).

You may have insightful thoughts on the Middle East, religion, or racial disparity, but no one will care; they will be interested in your thoughts on middle relieving or the premise of the designated hitter.

Over time, you will see your life disappear into sweat and depictions of Plaxico Burress contract negotiations and descriptions of the wishbone offense. And you will hate it. And normal sports fans deserve to know this. SO NOW YOU KNOW IT. They deserve to know that people telling them about the Boston Celtics or San Antonio Spurs enjoy pro basketball as much as Christians enjoy watching George Carlin’s Religion is Bullshit.

But I feel like the one guy who accepts one very important truth: The single best part about loving sports is hating sports.



Convoluting the World
November 2, 2008, 4:12 pm
Filed under: Satire | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Sirs and mams, if there’s any truth to America, it’s that every single one of us is greedy. Really greedy. Really fucking greedy. And no good. Even WordPress, for example. WordPress is greedy because the spell check was once a powerhouse, but now it’s a shoddy piece of shit that nobody even thinks twice about before they say, “Oh, well, another blog filled with typos.”

America is going to hell in a hand basket. We’re either going to get a 70+ year old president named John McCain who’s been in office for years and hasn’t done anything significant, or we’ll get some Barack Obama character who is more inexperienced than a 12-year-old getting sprung over an Ava Devine porno.

Americans want their money any way possible. They’ll take it. Whether they have to murder somebody, give somebody a blowjob, screw their bosses, screw their secretaries, take it in the armpit, make sandwiches for your boss’s uncle’s second cousin’s nephew, they’ll take their money any day of the week.

Whatever the hell it is, they do it. The fact of the matter here is — in Bruce Campbell’s words — if you don’t have it, you need it. If you need it, you don’t have it. If you already possess all of it, what do you really need?

Dick Woodsworth, your clandestine presidential candidate that you will never see the whereabouts of because you have no fathomable clue of who he is. Do you?