17 Hours

There are some songs out there that are just plain swill, either because they’re incessantly played over and over again on the radio or because the songs are just garbage and they’re getting more undeserved hype than the 2008-2009 Cleveland Cavaliers (sorry Cavs fans). This list will leave off some of the most atrocious songs that have ever been collaborated, and I apologize, but still, some of these songs may be ones you like, but the ones I will list are some that come to my mind first that I undoubtedly hate. I guess you could say the list could be unordered, as some are more annoying than others, but these are the songs that come to my mind first and foremost.

1.) “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt — hearing this song makes me want to get blunted, just so I would be out of my mind to obstruct this song from being instilled in my brain (for all of you out there who have the comprehension mastery of a goat, that’s a play on words of James Blunt’s name). James Blunt’s epicene voice that polluted the top 10 hits in 2004 and 2005 drove a lot of mainstream music lovers crazy (in a craze that made them madly scream as if they were partaking in an orgy-fest). I’d rather bash my head against a wall while listening to the rapper Lil Jon yell “Yeah!” over and over during a mix of the song “A Milli” by Lil Wayne than listen to this garbage. Thank God that there’s a parody by Weird Al Yankovic (I believe?) called “You’re Pitiful,” which has the great lyrics that are “My life is brilliant, Your life’s a joke, You’re just pathetic, You’re always broke.” Not to mention it bashes video games in the bridge by saying “You’re half undressed, Eatin’ chips of your chest, While you’re playin’ Halo 2, No one’s classier than you.”

2.) “I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry — Whenever I hear this song I keep wishing with false hope (I even begin feeling like a Chicago Cubs fan with all the false hope that becomes evident) that Katy Perry will shut the hell up. Instead I am forced to listen to a garbage song about faux lesbianism. Can someone explain to me why this song is even a hit? Really.

3.) “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley — There are two reasons you just have to have a disdain for this song. 1.) It’s a rip-off of former professional basketball player, current TNT NBA analyst, not to mention the influence of The Crazy Knuckleheads, Charles Barkley. 2.) My aunt has had this song as her ringtone for over two years now. This song has driven me crazy — up the wall and to hell and back crazy! “Possssssibly.” Though I digress. It’s not exactly a horrible song — it’s just that I’ve heard it so damn much that I’d rather listen to a Los Angeles Lakers fan muse on the 1971 championship team than listen to “Crazy.” Tear it down like Charlie Brown.

4.) “Wanted Dead or Alive” by Bon Jovi — I actually like quite a bit of music by Bon Jovi. Howeva (as you read the word However written in Ebonic manner, think of Stephen A. Smith’s interpretation: HOWWEVAAHH), Wanted Dead or Alive is leaps and bounds overrated. It’s like a ballad gone wrong. The slow start, the skiddy middle of the song, combined with the lackluster follow-through, “Wanted Dead or Alive” ultimately fails like the 2004 New York Yankees.

5.) “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion — I wonder if this song would have been well known if the movie Titanic didn’t use it for its main entree for its soundtrack. Then again, some other sappy movie would have selected it anyway, like Armageddon (Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” was prominent in that one). Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” compels my heart to want to abruptly stop because even it cannot withstand the voice that Celine Dion presents in this pseudo hit of hers. This song reminds me of the 2005 Houston Astros’ World Series loss to the Chicago White Sox. In fact, it should serve as a commemoration of that season, as Astros fans’ hearts did go .. St. Louis Cardinals first basemen, slugger Albert Pujols, belted a home run in the top of the ninth of game five of the NLCS (well, Brad Lidge’s heart eventually did go on, anyway) before the Cards fell to the ‘Stros in game six.

6.) “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston — I physically have to leave the room when this monstrosity is on. This song makes me want to yell with incandescent rage. It serves as a semblance to that one annoying song that features that one woman that keeps saying “no one” over and over in that crybaby mentality voice that makes me want to change my name to Steve Bartman and move to Iowa.

7.) “The Reason” by Hoobastank — I remember when this song was at the height of its popularity in early 2005 and my cousin Sarah couldn’t stop playing this song over and over and over. The biggest reason this song is awful is because of the band’s name: Hoobastank. I know I’m the one-billionth person to say it, but why not change the name to Hoobastink after the shit they dropped with “The Reason”? They might as well never make a song again. The awful drivel the song turned out to be was a nightmare for all of those who have a taste in music. The constant guitar-blazing noise that reverberated concurrently with the lead singer’s repetition of the phrase “And the reason … and the reason …” This song is about as worthy as former professional football quarterback Ryan Leaf.

8.) “Illegal Alien” by Genesis — The unfettered idiocy and racism is breath-taking, but on top of that, you definitely get the sense that Genesis thinks that they’re being hilarious, but even forgetting its pure racism, the ‘jokes’ are generic and lame. “I Can’t Dance” is only an average song, but “Illegal Alien” just nails a place on the worst list.

9.) “Bleed It Out” by Linkin Park — OK, OK, I liked this song for about a month or two during late 2007, right up until I listened to it closely and became severely aggravated by its unofficial semblance to San Diego Chargers fans’ feelings toward head coach Norv Turner. This song makes me want to bleed to death like the way Chargers fans feel like their eyes are bleeding every time their defense takes the field (sans Shawn Merriman, who has missed the entire 2008 NFL season). I’m a fan of Linkin Park, especially Mike Shinoda, but this song — which has entirely too many emo qualities to list — is the worst they have ever comprised.

10.) Tie between “Crank Dat” and “Yah,” both by Soulja Boy — Both are definitely the most twee, vapid and frankly appalling excuses for ’songs’ I’ve ever heard. If either of these songs crack your favorite list, quit listening to music, buy a Milwaukee Bucks NBA hoodie, drink five consecutive 8 fl. oz. bottles of water and not take a whiz for over ten straight hours, then you can feel like the way I feel every time I hear either of the aforementioned songs.

If you disagree with any on the list, fine — feel free to spit and dispense your thoughts via comments. I’m hear to listen and negate your thoughts all with a bombastic twist which will own you in every way possible and trap you in a dazzling corner where you will never, ever be able to get yourself out of.