17 Hours

Nobody realizes how much the people who write about sports despise the subject they write about. There is nothing they hate more. I know that seems paradoxical, and most of them would never admit it in public. But give them four drinks in a deserted tavern, and you will hear the truth: The people paid to inform you about the world of professional, collegiate, and high school athletics would love to see all sports — except for maybe the NCAA basketball tournament — eradicated from the planet.

What’s depressing is that this was not always the case for people.

So if you want to become jaded and bitter in the shortest period possible, become a sportswriter. You will spend your Friday nights trying to write up some grueling pseudo-informative SLAM Online article until you’ve reached the point where hitting the backspace key wants to make you throw a deadly dart doused in poison at the people or things you are writing about.

That’s not the worst thing about it all, though.

The worst part about being a sportswriter is that no one will ever have a normal conversation with you for the rest of your life. Everyone you meet will either A.) want to talk about sports, or B.) Assume you want to talk about sports. Strangers will feel qualified to walk up to you somewhere and complain about Rasheed Wallace; and if you’re trying to be frank with your ex-girlfriend’s parents, her father will immediately ask you oddly specific questions about the New York Yankees. Just a couple of examples (the last sentence is an experience of mine).

You may have insightful thoughts on the Middle East, religion, or racial disparity, but no one will care; they will be interested in your thoughts on middle relieving or the premise of the designated hitter.

Over time, you will see your life disappear into sweat and depictions of Plaxico Burress contract negotiations and descriptions of the wishbone offense. And you will hate it. And normal sports fans deserve to know this. SO NOW YOU KNOW IT. They deserve to know that people telling them about the Boston Celtics or San Antonio Spurs enjoy pro basketball as much as Christians enjoy watching George Carlin’s Religion is Bullshit.

But I feel like the one guy who accepts one very important truth: The single best part about loving sports is hating sports.